My heart is so sore. It appears that I wrote a blog last summer that I didn't share with the world as it was a new pregnancy. A pregnancy that eventually ended and my worries started in the very beginning. Today I write about a different set of worries. I will update on the miscarriage of our baby whom we've name Alex on a different day.
I sit here at 37 weeks pregnant and honestly scared. I told Andy today that it feels like I'm at the top of a scary slide, but I'm stuck there until some unknown time. I wasn't this scared going into Caitlyn's birth. I was prepared. I did my hypnobabies. I was calm and ready. But I feel like I was submerged into a freezing cold pool with my first birth experience. The unexpected happened. I was ready, but birth is an amazing thing and almost nothing is truly in my control. I was blessed with a beautiful and smart baby girl. However, I still find myself watching her closely to see if she suffered any effects from her birth. I find myself explaining to childcare workers about her birth when she is a perfectly normal and healthy toddler. I've come to realize that my anxieties don't stop in a perfect little bubble.
There is one thing that I do know. God is in control. As much as my anxiety continues to build, I know that deep down, God will be there at this birth. I have poured out tears almost daily worrying about what will happen. All someone has to do is say the word "birth" and sometimes it is just "How are you doing?" and the tears come. Some who know my anxiety have even said, "Every birth is different." or "You will be in and out this time." I am so grateful for their support, but the tears still come. God has sent all of these beautiful souls to comfort me, and my anxiety continues to build. I pray that comfort will come on the day of birth. I am human as God has created me.
Mark 10:16- "And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them, and blessed them."
This child is a child of God, and knowing that gives me strength.
I have no birth plan. Some probably think that is crazy. Actually, I probably would have thought it was crazy when preparing for Caitlyn's birth. But to me, I feel like trusting in God is my birth plan. I am going into this with some hopes. I hope to make it as far as I can without medication, but I know that the unexpected can happen. I spoke with a coworker who went into her birth with the same sort of plans and ended up with a C-Section. She was at peace with this though. Her child had to be revived and she was at peace. She said to me, "God was there." I'm not there yet. I'm not perfect and I know that is a part of my continued anxiety. I have to learn to say, "God is here." Just writing these words has calmed me. I know that God is here. He will be there on that day no matter how my baby is born. It doesn't feel quite so scary at the top of the slide waiting when you know that HE is sitting next to you.